Iron Man Trailer to be Made Into Movie

I LOL'ed.

Unstructured Picture of the Interval

It is best to mock that which we abhor.

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Attribution unknown

The Pants Strike Back

As a follow-up to the Blade Runner pants post, here's a list of great science fiction titles that I've "pantsed" up.

20,000 Leagues Under the Pants
2001: A Pants Odyssey
A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Pants
A Deepness in the Pants
A Fire Upon the Pants
A Wrinkle in Pants
Brave New Pants
Childhood's Pants
Do Androids Dream of Electric Pants?
Ender's Pants
Foundation and Pants
Have Pants, Will Travel
Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Pants
I, Pants
Journey to the Center of the Pants
Lucifer's Pants
Make Pants! Make Pants!
More than Pants
Pants for Algernon
Pants for Leibowitz
Pants of the Galaxy
Pants on Zanzibar
Pants Out of Joint
Pants Plus
Rendezvous With Pants
Ring Around the Pants
Speaker for the Pants
Starship Pants
Stranger in Strange Pants
The Demolished Pants
The Door into Pants
The Forever Pants
The Invisible Pants
The Left Pants-leg of Darkness
The Lost Pants
The Man in the High Pants
The Pants Are a Harsh Mistress
The Pants Dysfunction
The Pants in God's Eye
The Pants Look Up
The Pants My Destination
The Pants of God
The Pants of Paradise
The Pants of Steel
The Pants Themselves
The Shadow of the Pants
The Stainless Steel Pants
The Three Pants of Palmer Eldritch
The War of the Pants
Time Enough for Pants
To Your Scattered Pants Go
Use of Pants

Fantasy Bonus:

Lord of the Pants
The Fellowship of the Pants
The Two Pants
The Return of the Pants

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Creative Commons Pants image courtesy of "yatta".

Structured Traffic Signs

I found this clever bit of semiotic humor at BoredStop.com.

Open Letters To People or Entities that are Unlikely to Respond

I'm not sure if the open letter is a uniquely American phenomenon but, if it isn't, it should be. We are, after all, a people who like to raise our voices up to be heard and to have our opinions noted (whether or not those particular opinions are, in fact, note worthy).

The open letter is a particularly interesting manifestation of this tendency. In many senses, it's a quasi-paradox. Letters are, by their nature, relatively intimate things: I have something to say to you and here it is. And open letter is rather like having a nice, little conversation with someone while holding a megaphone. Of course, the point of an open letter isn't so much a matter of trying to communicate as it is an act of organized passive-aggression: I have something to say to you that you probably don't want to hear so I'm going to say it in front of everyone else, as well, so you had better damned well listen to me!

McSweeney's has taken the concept of the open letter and raised it to an absurdist art form. Open Letters To People or Entities that are Unlikely to Respond is a perfectly self-described collection of open letters. Many of the letters are simply silly, such as An Open Letter to the Radioactive Spider That Never Bit Me, some are cranky such as An Open Letter to My Local Newspaper With Advice for When It Runs Its Next Two-Page Photo Spread on the Beautiful Colors of the Season, and few are downright poignant and heartfelt such as An Open Letter to My Eighth-Grade Long-Term Substitute Science Teacher.

Unstructured Humor

In all likelihood, you have a sense of humor. The question, however, is what sort of a sense of humor do you have.

OkCupid!'s 3 Variable Funny Test is an utterly unscientific quiz that, never the less, seems to do a fairly good job of graphing a persons humor preferences along three axes.

As you can see, my own preferences are for humor that is dark, clean and complex which identifies me as a "wit".

Unstructured Supper

Here we have The Last Supper, reimagined as a Final Fantasy game.

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Attribution unknown.

Unstructured Passive Aggression

There is a certain art to passive-aggression. Mere aggression is easy, as is mere passivity, but to combine them effectively requires a certain deftness.

Passive Aggressive Notes is a site that celebrates the art of writing notes that politely convey the idea that you, sir and or madam, are a complete dick and that, while it might be morally wrong to so wish, it wouldn't be a horrible thing if you happened to die in a fire while your eyes were being consumed by rats.

Top 10 Excuses for Not Turning in Math Homework

10. It's Isaac Newton's birthday.
9. I couldn't decide whether i is the square root of -1 or i are the square root of -1.
8. I accidently divided by 0 and my paper burst into flames.
7. It's stuck inside a Klein bottle.
6. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook.
5. I had too much π and got sick.
4. Someone already published it, so I didn't bother to write it up.
3. A four-dimensional dog ate it.
2. I have a solar calculator and it was cloudy.
1. There wasn't enough room to write it in the margin.

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Attribution unknown. Photo by dullhunk.

Unstructured Web Design

As someone who's done enough amateur web design, I have nothing but respect for people who actually do it for a living.

Ten Reasons to Oppose Gay Marriage

1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

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Attribution unknown.

Unstructured Positions

Although Summer doesn't officially end until September 21^st, most people in the U.S. consider Labor Day Weekend to be Summer's last hurrah. With that in mind, here's a list of five summer sex positions that might very well send you to the emergency room if you try them (along with sarcastic commentary).

I should hope that it would go without saying that clicking on the link will bring up some very unsafe for work graphics (although nothing that I would consider too graphic, if you know what I mean). Please use some common sense; I'd hate to responsible for anyone getting in trouble with their employer.

The Zombie Food Pyramid

I'm always in the mood for good Zombie humor. This is something I stumbled on at Stacy Ponder's site.

Unstructured Syllogism

First Premise: Everything is better with Kung-fu
Second Premise: Everything is better with zombies.

Conclusion: Someone really needs to make a Kung-fu movie with zombies.

Unstructured Comics

Does this comic make you laugh?

If so, you are a True Geek™, in which case you should check out XKCD, which describes itself as a "webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language". Rarely have I encountered such a concentration of Pure Geekery.

The Year That Was

Jib-Jab's wrap up of the year.

Unstructured Venn

Like many on the geek/nerd continuum, I've always been fascinated by graphs and Venn diagrams; however, my interest in the subject pales next to this guy.

My favorite is his diagram illustrating that the intersection of a mythical king, elves, and magic is either Lord of the Rings or Christmas.

It makes you think.

More Forbidden Acts

I've gotten quite a response to the 700 Things that Mr. Welch is no Longer Allowed to Do. I thought I'd share some of them:

The Vampire lord's name is not Count Chocula.

No matter how good I roll, my first-level assassin cannot poison the water supply of the entire opposing army.

"F--- the Federation!" is not a very nice thing for a Star Fleet captain to say.

I will not bring a knife to a BattleMech fight.

There is only so much damage that I can inflict with a potato.

No matter how many skill points I have put into tumble, I cannot juggle Spheres of Annihilation.

I will not give the catatonic princess a wedgie.

My familiar is not an invisible rabbit.

My elf is not worried that the other members of my party are out to get his lucky charms.

I will not sew tiny bells into the thief's tunic while he's sleeping.

Orcs do not understand that Tourette’s Syndrome is an uncontrollable disease.

"Allergic to wood" does not justify my mithril quarterstaff.

I may not create a flesh golem, dye it pink, and name it Frankenberry.

For the last time, I may not cast Continual Light on the ogre's eyelids.

My character's special power may not be "Immunity from the Rules".

It is considered tasteless to block the exits to the underwater grotto full of merfolk, sealing a bomb inside, and then make any reference to "fish in a barrel".

Even though magically transforming wounded team members into blow-up sex dolls does give us time to get them to the hospital, it should be understood that there are fates that are worse than death.

I may speak my mind. I may not use my psionic abilities to speak the minds of anyone else in the party, however.

My rogue's alignment is not Evil Except When That's Inconvenient.

If I want to build gigantic monsters in my basement, I will need to get an excavation permit.

My characters are required to have a vowel, or at the very least a Y, somewhere in their names.

I will not use quantum mechanics to justify bad behavior.

I am to refrain from violating the laws of physics, logic and causality more often than once a day.

I may not attempt to literalize the phrase "The world is my oyster".

The "Hokey Pokey" is neither a dwarven nor a Klingon battle song no matter how emphatically I sing it.

I am not allowed to set my TARDIS to resemble a giant mushroom.

Nor am I allowed to make it look like a gingerbread house.

The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Hall Monitor.

My license to kill does not come with a daily quota.

When the king commissioned us to rescue his daughter, it was with the tacit understanding that we wouldn't try to sell her to the highest bidder afterwards.

I will not use any combination of science, magic or time travel in order to become my own evil twin.

I will not put fizzy tablets in the party's pet water elemental.

Nor will I put food dye in it.

The Wand of Wonder does not require me move my head rhythmically while wearing dark sunglasses.

My bard's instrument of choice is not a tuba.

My thunder mage is no longer permitted to ask people to pull his finger.

The other members of my party are not to be considered ammunition.

My dwarf's beard is not a weapon.

It is also not a contraceptive.

On the Subject of D&D

I thought I'd repost this old classic that supposedly happened in some campaign or another, especially since Google is showing a distressingly slim number of hits for it on the inter-tube:

"Okay, you enter a large meadowy area. You see a gazebo."

"Does the gazebo see us?"

"Sigh. No, the gazebo doesn't see you."

"Is the gazebo asleep?"

"No, the gazebo is not asleep."

"I attack the gazebo with my sword!"

"Okay. Roll to hit."

"I hit armor class 2!"

"Okay. You hit the gazebo. The gazebo doesn't react."

"I shoot an arrow at the gazebo."

"The gazebo doesn't react."

"But it was a +3 arrow!"

"Fine. The gazebo wakes up and eats all of you."

700 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG

Like any hobby, roleplaying seems like an obsession on the verge of madness to anyone who doesn't share it. Unlike most other hobbies, roleplaying often does verge on madness, as can be attested to by the 700 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG

From campaigns I've been in, I would add:

701. Even though my character is able to, it's not appropriate to scrape enemy agents off of a building using a billboard.

702. I will not politely hand the Dark Lord the only weapon in the universe capable of defeating him.

703. Lightsabers really don't have any place in our fantasy campaigns.

704. Neither do "swamp gigglers".

705. I am no longer permitted have a wolf as a pet.

706. If I do get a wolf for a pet, he will not grow to the size of a small town.

707. If I do happen to own such a large wolf, I can not hide in its fur in order to sneak into a town.

708. The hands of ancient, dead deities are not shoulder pets.

709. Although my character is able to teleport parts of his body, he will not use this power to mess around with the food and beverages of other party members.

710. I will not perform a flying kick on any moving vehicles.

711. Unless we're playing an epic level campaign, the phrase "The Norse gods are in trouble and need your help" is probably not the best way to start an adventure.

712. Neither is having a giant wall stalk the party in order to get them to move in a particular direction.

713. There is no such thing as "spider nip".

714. If the GM is attempting to introduce my character to the party I will not have my character behave in such a way that the party is required to kill him outright.

715. "Large Noisy Food", while amusing, isn't a particularly useful spell.

716. A bag full of stray cats is not an acceptable solution to a dungeon full of traps.

717. I will not summon large animals, in midair, from a high parapet, in order to drop them on my enemies.

718. I will certainly not summon large animals (etc, etc) in order to drop them on fellow party members.

719. "Let's trade watches" does not refer to what I'm wearing on my wrist.

720. In most situations, using a tsunami as a weapon should be considered overkill.

721. Telekinesis in a privilege, not a right.

722. I will not launch fellow party members into orbit, especially if they are neither in a space ship nor wearing a pressure suit.

723. "Pickles" is not a kill word.

724. I should probably re-think any attack that involves rolling an entire bucket full of dice.

725. Any "no normal defense" attacks that target sensitive portions of the male anatomy are strictly forbidden.

726. Cthulhu is not on my Rolodex.

727. Neither is he my co-pilot.

728. Nor do I have the Necronomicon on Books-on-Tape.

729. Bigby's Offending Hand is not a real spell.

730. I may not secretly replace the magical reagents with Folger's crystals.