Thursday, August 31, 2006

More Forbidden Acts

I've gotten quite a response to the 700 Things that Mr. Welch is no Longer Allowed to Do. I thought I'd share some of them:

The Vampire lord's name is not Count Chocula.

No matter how good I roll, my first-level assassin cannot poison the water supply of the entire opposing army.

"F--- the Federation!" is not a very nice thing for a Star Fleet captain to say.

I will not bring a knife to a BattleMech fight.

There is only so much damage that I can inflict with a potato.

No matter how many skill points I have put into tumble, I cannot juggle Spheres of Annihilation.

I will not give the catatonic princess a wedgie.

My familiar is not an invisible rabbit.

My elf is not worried that the other members of my party are out to get his lucky charms.

I will not sew tiny bells into the thief's tunic while he's sleeping.

Orcs do not understand that Tourette’s Syndrome is an uncontrollable disease.

"Allergic to wood" does not justify my mithril quarterstaff.

I may not create a flesh golem, dye it pink, and name it Frankenberry.

For the last time, I may not cast Continual Light on the ogre's eyelids.

My character's special power may not be "Immunity from the Rules".

It is considered tasteless to block the exits to the underwater grotto full of merfolk, sealing a bomb inside, and then make any reference to "fish in a barrel".

Even though magically transforming wounded team members into blow-up sex dolls does give us time to get them to the hospital, it should be understood that there are fates that are worse than death.

I may speak my mind. I may not use my psionic abilities to speak the minds of anyone else in the party, however.

My rogue's alignment is not Evil Except When That's Inconvenient.

If I want to build gigantic monsters in my basement, I will need to get an excavation permit.

My characters are required to have a vowel, or at the very least a Y, somewhere in their names.

I will not use quantum mechanics to justify bad behavior.

I am to refrain from violating the laws of physics, logic and causality more often than once a day.

I may not attempt to literalize the phrase "The world is my oyster".

The "Hokey Pokey" is neither a dwarven nor a Klingon battle song no matter how emphatically I sing it.

I am not allowed to set my TARDIS to resemble a giant mushroom.

Nor am I allowed to make it look like a gingerbread house.

The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Hall Monitor.

My license to kill does not come with a daily quota.

When the king commissioned us to rescue his daughter, it was with the tacit understanding that we wouldn't try to sell her to the highest bidder afterwards.

I will not use any combination of science, magic or time travel in order to become my own evil twin.

I will not put fizzy tablets in the party's pet water elemental.

Nor will I put food dye in it.

The Wand of Wonder does not require me move my head rhythmically while wearing dark sunglasses.

My bard's instrument of choice is not a tuba.

My thunder mage is no longer permitted to ask people to pull his finger.

The other members of my party are not to be considered ammunition.

My dwarf's beard is not a weapon.

It is also not a contraceptive.

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