Thursday, August 31, 2006

More Forbidden Acts

I've gotten quite a response to the 700 Things that Mr. Welch is no Longer Allowed to Do. I thought I'd share some of them:

The Vampire lord's name is not Count Chocula.

No matter how good I roll, my first-level assassin cannot poison the water supply of the entire opposing army.

"F--- the Federation!" is not a very nice thing for a Star Fleet captain to say.

I will not bring a knife to a BattleMech fight.

There is only so much damage that I can inflict with a potato.

No matter how many skill points I have put into tumble, I cannot juggle Spheres of Annihilation.

I will not give the catatonic princess a wedgie.

My familiar is not an invisible rabbit.

My elf is not worried that the other members of my party are out to get his lucky charms.

I will not sew tiny bells into the thief's tunic while he's sleeping.

Orcs do not understand that Tourette’s Syndrome is an uncontrollable disease.

"Allergic to wood" does not justify my mithril quarterstaff.

I may not create a flesh golem, dye it pink, and name it Frankenberry.

For the last time, I may not cast Continual Light on the ogre's eyelids.

My character's special power may not be "Immunity from the Rules".

It is considered tasteless to block the exits to the underwater grotto full of merfolk, sealing a bomb inside, and then make any reference to "fish in a barrel".

Even though magically transforming wounded team members into blow-up sex dolls does give us time to get them to the hospital, it should be understood that there are fates that are worse than death.

I may speak my mind. I may not use my psionic abilities to speak the minds of anyone else in the party, however.

My rogue's alignment is not Evil Except When That's Inconvenient.

If I want to build gigantic monsters in my basement, I will need to get an excavation permit.

My characters are required to have a vowel, or at the very least a Y, somewhere in their names.

I will not use quantum mechanics to justify bad behavior.

I am to refrain from violating the laws of physics, logic and causality more often than once a day.

I may not attempt to literalize the phrase "The world is my oyster".

The "Hokey Pokey" is neither a dwarven nor a Klingon battle song no matter how emphatically I sing it.

I am not allowed to set my TARDIS to resemble a giant mushroom.

Nor am I allowed to make it look like a gingerbread house.

The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Hall Monitor.

My license to kill does not come with a daily quota.

When the king commissioned us to rescue his daughter, it was with the tacit understanding that we wouldn't try to sell her to the highest bidder afterwards.

I will not use any combination of science, magic or time travel in order to become my own evil twin.

I will not put fizzy tablets in the party's pet water elemental.

Nor will I put food dye in it.

The Wand of Wonder does not require me move my head rhythmically while wearing dark sunglasses.

My bard's instrument of choice is not a tuba.

My thunder mage is no longer permitted to ask people to pull his finger.

The other members of my party are not to be considered ammunition.

My dwarf's beard is not a weapon.

It is also not a contraceptive.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

On the Subject of D&D

I thought I'd repost this old classic that supposedly happened in some campaign or another, especially since Google is showing a distressingly slim number of hits for it on the inter-tube:

"Okay, you enter a large meadowy area. You see a gazebo."

"Does the gazebo see us?"

"Sigh. No, the gazebo doesn't see you."

"Is the gazebo asleep?"

"No, the gazebo is not asleep."

"I attack the gazebo with my sword!"

"Okay. Roll to hit."

"I hit armor class 2!"

"Okay. You hit the gazebo. The gazebo doesn't react."

"I shoot an arrow at the gazebo."

"The gazebo doesn't react."

"But it was a +3 arrow!"

"Fine. The gazebo wakes up and eats all of you."

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

700 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG

Like any hobby, roleplaying seems like an obsession on the verge of madness to anyone who doesn't share it. Unlike most other hobbies, roleplaying often does verge on madness, as can be attested to by the 700 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG

From campaigns I've been in, I would add:

701. Even though my character is able to, it's not appropriate to scrape enemy agents off of a building using a billboard.

702. I will not politely hand the Dark Lord the only weapon in the universe capable of defeating him.

703. Lightsabers really don't have any place in our fantasy campaigns.

704. Neither do "swamp gigglers".

705. I am no longer permitted have a wolf as a pet.

706. If I do get a wolf for a pet, he will not grow to the size of a small town.

707. If I do happen to own such a large wolf, I can not hide in its fur in order to sneak into a town.

708. The hands of ancient, dead deities are not shoulder pets.

709. Although my character is able to teleport parts of his body, he will not use this power to mess around with the food and beverages of other party members.

710. I will not perform a flying kick on any moving vehicles.

711. Unless we're playing an epic level campaign, the phrase "The Norse gods are in trouble and need your help" is probably not the best way to start an adventure.

712. Neither is having a giant wall stalk the party in order to get them to move in a particular direction.

713. There is no such thing as "spider nip".

714. If the GM is attempting to introduce my character to the party I will not have my character behave in such a way that the party is required to kill him outright.

715. "Large Noisy Food", while amusing, isn't a particularly useful spell.

716. A bag full of stray cats is not an acceptable solution to a dungeon full of traps.

717. I will not summon large animals, in midair, from a high parapet, in order to drop them on my enemies.

718. I will certainly not summon large animals (etc, etc) in order to drop them on fellow party members.

719. "Let's trade watches" does not refer to what I'm wearing on my wrist.

720. In most situations, using a tsunami as a weapon should be considered overkill.

721. Telekinesis in a privilege, not a right.

722. I will not launch fellow party members into orbit, especially if they are neither in a space ship nor wearing a pressure suit.

723. "Pickles" is not a kill word.

724. I should probably re-think any attack that involves rolling an entire bucket full of dice.

725. Any "no normal defense" attacks that target sensitive portions of the male anatomy are strictly forbidden.

726. Cthulhu is not on my Rolodex.

727. Neither is he my co-pilot.

728. Nor do I have the Necronomicon on Books-on-Tape.

729. Bigby's Offending Hand is not a real spell.

730. I may not secretly replace the magical reagents with Folger's crystals.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The Story of Job

I decided to re-write the biblical story of Job as an in-game chat:

S: Hey God, ur teh suxx0rs!
G: Shut up n00b!
S: lol! No 1 lieks u!
G: Shut UP! job likes me
S: roflol! that's only 'cause u twink him
G: O yeah?
S: yeh!
G: ok, go ahead an haxx0r him
S: hey job, I pwn yoo!
J: whatever
S: **PWNED!**
S: hahahah!
J: this sux! hey god, WTF?
G: shut up, or i'll pwn you even harder
J: okay, srry
G: kkthnx
S: hey! wtf is that!
G: lolerskatez! i win!
S: u are such a cheater!
G: whatever, dw33b

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